Over the years, the Disney Company and it’s theme parks have provided us with hundreds of memorable, interesting, and funny characters, both good and evil. Last week, I wrote a blog post about the Disney Characters I Would Want My Daughters To Date (check it out HERE if you missed it). The post went over fairly well and I had quite a few folks ask me which characters I would not want my daughters to date. I thought long and hard about this one, especially because the wonderful worlds of Disney have brought us SO MANY admirable characters, it’s really difficult to pick out the ones who would be less than desirable matches for my girls in the very distant future. I think I was finally able to narrow the list down, though, so after many, many hours of hand-wringing and countless second guesses, here are the Disney Characters I WOULD NOT Want My Daughters To Date.
Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid – At first glance, Prince Eric seems like a pretty good catch for Ariel (there’s an obvious mermaid joke to be made here, I’ll let you fill it in yourself). He’s got a great palace on the ocean complete with servants and a chef, is a music fan (both of my daughters love to sing), and he’s a dog lover. All good things. But look a little deeper and that’s when the bad starts to outweigh the good. Ariel saves Eric’s life by bringing him to shore after his boat capsizes in a storm. He even gets a really good look at her before she heads back out to sea. Later, when Ariel shows up at his palace, he thinks she looks familiar but can’t remember she’s the exact same girl that JUST saved his life only because she can’t talk or sing?! I don’t buy it. I think Eric is playing some kind of game and I wouldn’t trust him around anyone that I cared about. (By the way, and this always bothered me…why doesn’t Ariel just write Eric a note explaining the entire situation? We know she can write, she signed the contract with Ursula!) Then, when Ursula’s creepy human clone comes to shore, Eric jumps ship and decides to marry her because of the voice? Prince Eric is a weak, weak man and therefore wouldn’t be a good fit in my family.
Tarzan – I can see why Jane fell for Tarzan in the classic Disney movie. He’s handsome, strong, and is obviously very capable of taking care of himself. He would also probably make a good protector for one of my girls since he can literally fight off wild animals with his bare hands. But I’d have to say, that’s where his good qualities end. Tarzan would make a horrible boyfriend. He lives in a jungle so he’s completely and utterly uncivilized. He can’t speak or understand the English language. He can’t read or write. How on Earth does he expect to get anywhere in life without these basic skills? Tarzan doesn’t seem to have a job or even have any career prospects or goals. If he does eventually get a job I’d have to assume it would be something extremely dangerous since his only real, marketable skills are climbing high trees and swinging on vines through the jungle. Also, I don’t remember seeing any doctors in the movie so I’m sure Tarzan hasn’t had any vaccinations or medical care for his entire life. Yep, there is absolutely no way I’d be okay with Tarzan swinging by my house for a Sunday family dinner!
Kristoff from Frozen – I don’t have many positive things to say about Kristoff other than he does help Anna find Elsa when she clearly has no idea what she’s doing out in the mountains of Arendelle. Of course, he does try to move in on Anna a little bit while she’s engaged to another man so I’m not even quite sure that is a positive. Here’s the thing about Kristoff: he’s obviously gone off the deep end at some point in his life and no one seems to realize it. His closest friend is a reindeer named Sven who he is constantly talking to (and FOR in a strange, crazy voice). Does Kristoff actually think Sven is talking back to him? And then his only other friends are a bunch of rocks that somehow turn into trolls that live deep inside the forest. I know that Anna and Olaf actually talk to these trolls (and enjoy a fun musical number), but does that mean they are actually there? Remember, Anna is suffering from a rapidly freezing heart so she could be seeing or hearing things and Olaf is a walking, talking snowman! Can his account of things really be trusted? In my humble opinion, I think Kristoff has been out in isolation too long and that’s where all of these problems are stemming from. I feel for the guy, I really do, but he just isn’t stable enough to make a good date. Anna can keep him!
Flynn Rider from Tangled – First off, Flynn Rider isn’t even his real name, which we find out later in the movie (it’s Eugene Fitzherbert, a perfectly good name for a young man). Flynn Rider is a common, petty thief at the beginning of the movie and he doesn’t get much better from there. Once he steals a crown (meant for Rapunzel, by the way) he turns his back on his only two friends in the world, the Stabbington brothers, and runs off with the prize. He only agrees to help Rapunzel out and take her to see the floating lanterns because she ends up hiding the crown and he wants it back. Then, once they are on their way to see the lanterns, Rider takes Rapunzel to a dangerous, dingy pub called the Snuggly Duckling, hoping the local criminal element will scare her enough and convince her to take him back to her tower where he can reacquire his stolen goods and put an end to their relationship. I don’t know about you, but he doesn’t seem like a decent guy at all, and I’d be horrified in the future if one of my daughters got tangled up with him (see what I did there?!)
The truth of the matter is, Disney is FULL of characters that I’m going to make sure my daughters steer very clear of when they grow up. I’ve only covered the worst of the worst offenders here, but the list can go on and on. Prince Phillip? Master manipulator who convinces his father to let him ignore his betrothed and marry Aurora. Pinocchio? Completely untrustworthy. Hercules? Lifetime underachiever. Simba? Lion. I can only hope and pray that my daughters don’t wind up with any guys like these troublemakers in the future.
Thank you once again for reading and playing along with another goofy Disney list. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it! If I missed any “terrible” characters or if you’d like to continue the conversation, please comment here on this page, send me a Facebook message HERE, a Tweet HERE, or email me at phil@eartotheretravel.com. And please feel free to share any of my blog posts on social media by clicking any of the buttons at the top or bottom of each post. Thank you again so much for reading and please enjoy the rest of your stay here at Ear To There Travel!
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